My Biggest Challenge

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – Anthony Robbins

Being challenged is not new to me…and I’m sure it is not new to any of you.

 

Returning to school, which I am in the midst of, has taken years to muster the courage.

Working for a company I cannot abide by, who stacks the deck against me every chance it gets and on top of it all, to have a boss like mine. Nightmare.

Thirty two going on thirty-three inhabiting such an awkward phase, between adulthood and limbo, I have no footing in either realm.

A nerd not ashamed of his knowledge geek-laden minutiae.

The center of attention in social circles.

A hermit on his own time.

Teacher. Writer. Poet. None of the above…perhaps.

That said, my biggest challenge to date is: finding a girlfriend.

Not necessarily finding one but meeting someone who complements me; I don’t ask for perfection or a companion to mask my flaws; I want a partner, friend, someone to share my all-too-eccentric life with.

Contrast of years bygone, I do not need a woman to “complete” me. I have matured enough to accept who I am and fix myself (as opposed to waiting on a heroine to swoop in and do it for me).

I spent my youth looking in every corner I could, meeting a few I would regret later. Also sabotaging a good thing when I had it, making potentials flee in shame. Honestly, I believed destiny would do all of the work, worrying whether risk could be safe. Such a contradiction in terms.

So in the lesson life taught me, I grew to appreciate the failures, near successes, and the never-were’s. Somewhere in my soul is telling the cynic that he is wrong; that I am worthy of someone and the moment will come.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared…

*exhale*

I just needed that.

Carrying those sorts of emotional woes can be harmful.

Thanks for listening!

Bye for now, KS.

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Power of Choices

“Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.” – Dale Carnegie

According to my mental alarm clock, I don’t sleep past 9:30 a.m. especially on my days off.  However, this morning was different: 7:30 a.m. was my curtain call. Besides being no longer able to sleep in, I usually have my most lucid yet vivid dreams. Well Memorial Day morning delineated…

It starts with an apartment. I did not recognize or clearly discern its details. Painted like a childhood bedroom of mine, the walls were in carnation pink, akin to the 60’s flavor my grandmother’s house had back in the day. Half the lights were off or dim, I’m not sure which.

I proceed down the hallway very cautiously. The whole trip I have a strange vibe about what lay ahead. My mind begins racing. In that moment, every doubt, hesitation, and fear surfaced. Suddenly I was flushed, filled with shaky emotions. I stop. As darkness seeks to surround my body, a light gleams at the corner of my desperate eye…

That illumination led me, almost subconsciously, to a door. A wooden doorway to be precise. After recognizing it, I grab the knob and turn. The gateway swings ajar and the sight leaves me in shock.

Distinguished by light, I enter a bedroom. It is not like any I have seen before. Figures are rolling around under the sheets; I make a noise; they are startled, dispelling the covers to reveal themselves;not fully but enough to peer out into the remainder. There they see me. Conversely, I see them.

Besides how awkward this was in general, it became more so when my brain caught up, helping me identify the individuals in front of me.  Two longtime friends, one a writer, the other an artist…and no, even if you did research, you wouldn’t uncover anything (I have too many to count in both professions). Long story short, in reality, these two would NEVER EVER get together. It’s like Angel and Willow (of Buffy fame) or uh…John Diggle and Felicity Smoak from Arrow. It’s too unlikely.

Anyway, I hastily exit the room. I am flush with embarrassment for what I just walked in on. More importantly, another wave of emotion comes over me. I begin to cry, uncontrollably. Thoughts of loneliness and unrequited relationships race; teeming with sadness, I drop to the floor. Overhearing the apparent couple, they wish I would find someone, the way they had with each other and  in an eerie display, I laugh.

Then I awake.

While certain themes were obvious, the dream still managed to confound. But it rang out some skeletons and made one thing abundantly clear: I need to get out there.

With that weirdness expunged, I will get on with my Memorial Day!

Bye for now, KS.