“I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., gunshots muffled by a few city blocks; I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people; that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.” ― Anna Peters
I cleaned the house this morning. Why is this activity important you ask? Because it means I’m trying to work something out, something uncomfortable.
The few weeks of summer have been a little too busy at work and all too quiet at home. When this occurs, I accrue an abundance of time to think which is ultimately dangerous to me. A month away from 33… and where am I?!
Not where I want (or need) to be…is my answer.
Granted, my optimism has grown immensely from a year ago (or dare I say, years gone by). My self-esteem and respect for self have become fully formed; the eccentric nature in which I have lived makes all the sense in the world.
Tempered under pressures like depression, work stress, unfulfilled dreams, nonexistent love-life, and naturally cynical disposition, I think I am ready to accept responsibility for myself. The real me. The grown man me.
And even if it means I do it alone, I’ll be content. As long as I do it…
Like the quote implies, I am not, by any means, simple. If someone doesn’t understand me, this will give you insight.
I have lived double lives as sinner and saint. Big difference is: I no longer carry the Albatross or punish myself any more.
That’s truly a relief.
Now school has been on an indefinite horizon. Going back, once you’ve been gone is as hard as advertised! My dream of becoming a teacher and creating my own learning has so far been… a farce. I vow to change that!
In regards to family and friends, communication is sparse but cherished when possible. Also I know they are there for me and would be a help if I simply asked. I wish my job wasn’t such a time suck and didn’t sap every bit of my being on a regular basis. Furthermore, I want to be a better son, friend, and overall person.
Building myself, chapter by chapter, has been a labored, bewildering, and agonizing process, one which won’t end any time soon. I’m reluctant to mention recent interactions with women.
Let’s just say: I am a lot less selfish than in my previous life; becoming much more adept at relationship maintenance; friendships but successes in my book. I won’t be pushy about more whether I see the possibility or not.
Everything just feels richer.
Hell I’ve got nothing to lose.
Bye for now, KS.