“I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., gunshots muffled by a few city blocks; I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people; that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.” ― Anna Peters
I cleaned the house this morning. Why is this activity important you ask? Because it means I’m trying to work something out, something uncomfortable.
The few weeks of summer have been a little too busy at work and all too quiet at home. When this occurs, I accrue an abundance of time to think which is ultimately dangerous to me. A month away from 33… and where am I?!
Not where I want (or need) to be…is my answer.
Granted, my optimism has grown immensely from a year ago (or dare I say, years gone by). My self-esteem and respect for self have become fully formed; the eccentric nature in which I have lived makes all the sense in the world.
Tempered under pressures like depression, work stress, unfulfilled dreams, nonexistent love-life, and naturally cynical disposition, I think I am ready to accept responsibility for myself. The real me. The grown man me.
And even if it means I do it alone, I’ll be content. As long as I do it…
Like the quote implies, I am not, by any means, simple. If someone doesn’t understand me, this will give you insight.
I have lived double lives as sinner and saint. Big difference is: I no longer carry the Albatross or punish myself any more.
That’s truly a relief.
Now school has been on an indefinite horizon. Going back, once you’ve been gone is as hard as advertised! My dream of becoming a teacher and creating my own learning has so far been… a farce. I vow to change that!
In regards to family and friends, communication is sparse but cherished when possible. Also I know they are there for me and would be a help if I simply asked. I wish my job wasn’t such a time suck and didn’t sap every bit of my being on a regular basis. Furthermore, I want to be a better son, friend, and overall person.
Building myself, chapter by chapter, has been a labored, bewildering, and agonizing process, one which won’t end any time soon. I’m reluctant to mention recent interactions with women.
Let’s just say: I am a lot less selfish than in my previous life; becoming much more adept at relationship maintenance; friendships but successes in my book. I won’t be pushy about more whether I see the possibility or not.
Everything just feels richer.
Hell I’ve got nothing to lose.
Bye for now, KS.
I take a deep breath,
I accept the truth,
relative to me,
and there’s no day off,
vacation from my fate,
as the beat goes on,
faith can break into splinters,
story of David and Goliath,
not mine but it is,
prayers towards the struggle,
behind and ahead,
inherent good in most hearts,
makes one vulnerable,
little to nothing escapes,
an eidetic mentality,
pacing its own legend,
once the world keeps rolling,
a warrior in me awakens,
for the battle upon us,
he fondles a hackbut,
someone rendered obsolete,
a firearm in figurative sense,
sporting a long barrel,
loaded through a muzzle,
one known as the soul,
as the powder and spark impact,
a power is produced,
and I have no equal.