A Sharp Pain

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” – Jim Morrison

There is a sharp pain shooting through my scapula…even as I type this. The pain is surely palpable. However, it may be the last thing on my mind.

This pain came from me working way too long, way too hard at my current place of employment. Don’t get me wrong, I like the job but as per usual, I’m always looking beyond where I am. Maybe in this case, looking back.

I made a few mistakes today and I made the same number six months ago. In retrospect, each could have been avoided. Sometimes I act on impulse and think about the result later; more often than not, it winds biting me in the ass. Like a Piranha… 

Today, I lifted product until my shoulder started to wane, show signs of soreness. I accomplished my goal (which was easier access to said product) but now, I wish I had waited until tomorrow. The same task could have been completed without the unnecessary strain occurring.

Months ago, you can say I wandered into the “perfect situation”. At least it was for a while… Long story short, I met someone, had a few ideal moments where it was good, pure even (laughter, banter, smiles), we talked consecutively, I missed the door, and I befuddled what was left (whatever that was). Unlike anyone before, it also bears a sharp pain.

Entering my thirties, my track record with relationships is sporadic at best. I’m a great initiator but when it comes to the next steps, I, either, chose a manipulator or someone who wasn’t interested in what I wanted; basically, not my “type”. So a good opportunity is rare and I’m too old to continue dropping the ball.

I don’t know what’s next and I don’t care if being honest hurts my chances. Pretense has gotten stagnant. I have never enjoyed playing games. I think who you actually are matters in the equation of a long lasting relationship. Maybe I am “whole” and they are “broken” or vice versa.

I have no answers.

However, I do have hope.

Hope that…

someone will smile at me again…

the way she did, for no reason at all, and completely light up my world.

Bye for now, KS.

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