“Human memory cannot be erased like that of a computer. It is though important to keep less garbage; stay fresh out of dirt.” – Harendra Saksena
After my intriguing “Friend Day” yesterday, I think I actually grew up a little. Maturity is certainly an odd phenomenon…especially for a “man-child” like myself.
On my way to meet with friends (some who I had not seen in a while), I passed some of my old haunts including the community college I once attended, worked at, bred a culture at, subsequently, was fired from.
As I gazed upon the changes that had occurred over the last two years, I realized the amount of good balanced with the misdeeds I had committed. Surprisingly, I was beginning to forgive myself; an act I thought I wasn’t capable of or mature enough to.
Furthermore, there would be nothing more satisfying than having the opportunity to make up from what I did, what I call “my greatest sin.” For once, in my over a quarter of a century, I am ready to admit my wrongs, the lies I used to cover them up, and take the blame along with the consequences (even though I think God did plenty in that regard. Plenty.)
All and all, I have no allusions. In fact, in what may be the most formative point in my history, I am at peace with myself. TWO YEARS LATER. God has certainly blessed me here… I feel like a man.
To teach again would be a benefit, no matter where I do it. I’ve seen those I’ve taught, mentored, and academically advised, go on to better things, to greener pastures, as it were. They’ve helped save my life.
The inner consensus is that I belong to myself. I also own my failures and victories; no longer blinded by pride, I can move on. Truly.
In any other world, I would face expulsion, jail time, and persecution. I have committed crimes. I have broken the law. This is not an omission of guilt…but it is a declaration of grey, questionable morality, and dishonesty I would like to cast into the abyss.
Once I began to lie to myself and those who trusted me, I paid dearly. In retrospect, this is a teachable moment; a lesson learned in the congress of suffering, painful shame. However, I have implemented steps to exorcise this demon via making peace with it. Granted, there is still fear residing in my heart but like any irritant one is dying to scratch, it will persist. Never will I feign ignorance; this is an open wound which hurts (and reminds me) each and every day.
But it hasn’t broken me…and the altruism I exhibited was the truth, despite my sin.
Didn’t I say this blog is like therapy…
Bye for now, KS.