Wide Open Spaces

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” – Paulo Coelho

My path. Huh. *sigh* The number of quotes, poems, or Facebook posts, aren’t going to change present circumstances. Where I’m at is a place of removal; what I mean is I’ve separated myself from the equation. Jobs, friends, relationships because they don’t signify anything.

It’s funny how I figure I can talk myself through this; that someone out there may have a skeleton key. Simultaneously, I shake my head. Yet it doesn’t prohibit my Spider Sense from tingling.

There’s so much “space” that I don’t what to do with it…or in it. Without understanding my circumstances, I can come off as pretentious which I am not. In fact, the latest leg of my journey is about discovering myself, loving this person.

Since I was five, I’ve been holding everyone else’s coats. I was clever enough to fill in the gaps. I was humble enough to let it slide, too many times. Don’t get me wrong…I never got run over…I just kept standing in the crosswalk  Everyone grew tired of waiting; I cared too much and it hurt me.

At first, I felt reticent (even guilty) for not being the man the collective audience wanted me to be. When I continued to make fumbles, the resentment encompassed my focus. In short, what was good turned bad very quickly. However, I cannot abide being defined by my mistakes. They are not all I am.

While I’m not sure of my next move, I refuse to hurt anyone else (along the way). I’ll have to do two of the hardest things: let go and move on. Adults do this on regular basis; I am not alone but I’ve had difficulty maintaining “the good things in life”.

Everyone leaves.

Moments fade.

But I’m still here.

It’s time to go…

And claim what’s in those wide open spaces.

Bye for now, KS.

 

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