I see ghosts,
see ghosts everywhere,
to rationalize them away,
in order to,
suppress their ends,
or is it my own ends?
specters of the past,
to mete out a future,
coated in glass,
defined by fastidiousness,
step through shades,
like being bathed in sunlight,
indicative of a man,
to walk not run,
to fight not hide,
to understand what’s really going on,
I lit a candle,
filled this space with light,
made a bargain,
after losing a bet,
I’ll make the best of these nine lives,
postures don’t suit,
neither does regret,
even though the aforementioned adds difficulty,
my soul is truer knowing,
a modicum of peace,
peace of mind,
“What you want is already here, in the unified field of pure potential. Everything you need to fulfill your greatest desire is already part of your being. But it can’t come out until you align with it, let go of the obstructions to it, and raise your vibration to the level at which it already exists.” – Derek Rydall
I had a wonderful job, one which fell into my lap and showed me who I can be. Subconscious angst and “wearing out my welcome” were the main catalyst which chased me out. Maybe that’s an excuse…I was the one who walked away.
Currently, in a job which draws on a majority of my strengths, all I can think about is the previous one. How do I build a bridge back yet… go forward?
I’ve made enough mistakes to know what I actually want…even if I’m not “ready” for it. Career, relationships (family, friends, and the other), and other factors which add to the quality of my existence. I’m simply too stubborn to make the decision people encourage me to. Make sense?
Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I smile allot. This may be odd to hear…but I had no idea. At least, it wasn’t how I felt on the interior. The pain of lamenting a dream had taken over. Every action, every emotion, I struggled with.
For a guy who wasn’t sure of himself as a man, I’ve done alright, conservatively, but alright. I didn’t have a father there to mold me into a man but I have molded other young men. My God. I am elated and almost shocked at the capacity. Looking behind can help one’s focus at times…
Women. I’m not sure what to say except I owe quite a few apologies. Interest isn’t a problem neither is attention, flirting, or information exchange; it is uncertainty. I’m uncertain how a woman would feel if I actually shared myself, my time, my heart; I’m shaky about letting someone in. Also, I don’t want a woman…I want the woman. Pedestal, ideal, or fantasy, I don’t know if any female could live up to it. To be fair, they should not have to…
I could try to be more realistic about the whole thing. After all, I have no shortage of confidence or ingenuity. However, chances are hard to come by and harder to hold on to. Hold may not be the right word; make the most of an opportune meeting. *Sigh*
I choose to be positive. Mainly because the alternative is not worth my time…nor any more sacrifices. I’m making enough of those already. It’s time to start forgiving.
Candles either burn brightly or given enough time, burn out completely.
Bye for now, KS. 🙂
“Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or … you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or … I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or… I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.” – Unknown