“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” – Barbara De Angelis
At my core, I’m a cynic. I state this because I am doing everything in my power to shed some of the more negative thoughts. My trek out to Leesylvania State Park was exactly what I needed; exercise and a chance to be in nature.
I realized that I’m an idiot (with a great tendency to word vomit). What I mean is that I’ve made mistakes which were not necessary; in response, I usually give in but I can’t because I am not that person anymore. I am one with hope.
All of this means is…I still ball everything up inside until it bursts or manifests itself in passive aggressive ways. For example, I almost blew up at my new boss yesterday. Almost. My tone was borderline incendiary until I caught myself. I note this because I usually handle these situations with diplomacy and I barely managed to save face. Also I’ve been easily agitated by coworkers; they could ask a simple question or say something innocent and I would snap, not in a manner that couldn’t be smoothed over, but very snipe-ish.
In retrospect, I’m realizing how much I needed my new job. Over the last four months, I’ve rediscovered myself. No ego or drama to get in my path. Many of my coworkers are people I can relate to easily and see myself hanging out with. That said, they also remind me of the camaraderie I once had, the job I had invested so much of me in, and the fall. And if/when it affected those around me, I regret that wholeheartedly.
I’ve preached letting go and moving on, and I’ve truly done neither. I feel as though I’ve taken a few steps back. Granted, I still know what’s in front of me, have the tools to accomplish it, and retained my overall focus. It’s the toll of it all.
Bye for now, KS.