I believe I’ve turned the first page for the last time,

beginning again,

it’s never easy,

like ripping yourself apart,

layer by layer,

shedding the tears where no one can see,

what I promised I wouldn’t do,

I mean…

what’s wrong with honesty?

is it too bold a flavor?

or asinine in its expression?

maybe this me isn’t what the audience wants,

grates their nerves in indescribable ways,

but I realize that it isn’t about them,

it is about me…

for once,

I’ve stopped handing over the keys,

maliciousness is served with kindness,

my tolerance appears endless,

but I recycle the anger,

huff the Rager’s fumes and use them for fuel,

motive to take the next dive,

as the time arrives,

I jump aboard the caboose,

of a runaway train,

using the words,

I treasure now.



Where I am: Entry 1

‎”I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.” – Douglas Adams

I picked this quote…well because I’m a fan of quotes and due to the fact that it explains where my life is right now. Northern Virginia Community or NOVA as it is commonly called is the epicenter of my life. I work there as a tutor, attend classes as a student, and act as a friend to my wonderful coworkers.

Years ago, I would have been embarrassed to admit that (due to others’ expectations) but I’ve learned to take pride in my accomplishments there. Back then, I was a different person, a man unsure of who he was or whether he even mattered. Don’t get me wrong…along with NOVA, my family and friends have tried their best to be there for me; however, I’m not the easiest guy to be friends with (or related to). Those who know me can fully vouch for that statement.

To clarify, this post isn’t about my past: my daddy issues, girl trouble, or the unnecessary nightmares I put people close to me through. Hopefully, God will forgive me for those transgressions.

Anyway, as I move into a new part of my life, the most important lesson I’ve taken to heart is to be accountable. Some of those who are familiar with my patterns may laugh (or even stop reading) but it’s as true as it will ever be. I have isolated myself from certain aspects in order to focus on making “me” whole.

In that vein, this summer has been about redirection and renewal. Hell, 2011 has served as a game changer so far. After a half decade of paying dues, my job is starting to generate positive developments. I also discovered that teaching isn’t the only profession I want to tackle. The tutors who work me have helped to rejuvenate the leader inside me. I’ve never loved doing anything this much…to help others on a daily basis is something which makes life worth living.

I’ll end on this note: there’s more to me than I ever thought, it just took me a lifetime to start digging in.

Bye for now,


Clearing A Path

I know what I want to say now,

I’m still here,

on this long dirt road,

stretching out to the ends of the earth,

ready to hit the reset button,

it may be the umpteenth time,

I’ve long since stopped counting…

the syllables don’t even come together,

as pebbles pound these weather-worn soles,

walking hard to cope,

criticism and pain all around,

there aren’t enough supplies in this bag,

this trail can only be measured in memories not miles,

their contingency is to give it,

not take it,

I always give in – absorb the hit,

punishment for going my own way,

I don’t think you understand,

hell I don’t need you to!

left straddling the fence,

between me…

and who you think I am,

I know who I ultimately am,

and it hurts,

like nothing else can,

so leave me be,

and let me hike until I’m worn,

mind and body,

ready to recover.


Consequence of Assassination

My mind is a weapon,

one unlike any you’ve ever seen,

no exaggeration needed or necessary,

you’ll discover the fury of its firepower,

the application of each bullet,

the magnitude in each magazine,

an assassin’s pedigree,

sources inform me that anger is an option,

manipulation is policy,

killing tools with silent accuracy are preferred,

the plan is to terminate your character,

decimate your constituents,

poison the populace,

as I listen to the classics on my iPod,

you be exhaling your final breath,


I’ll be scrubbing away the evidence,

of a crime that never took place,

but remember,

if you have the notion to cross me,

I’ll be the last person you’ll ever see.


Sanity of Sunrise

Seeing the Sun rise as an insomniac,

taking the feeling for what it isn’t,

blind in broad daylight,

poked by visions,

nervosa swells,

fascination becomes an antithesis,

sweat pours as proximity closes,

thoughts scrambled like eggs on Saturday morning,

the birds chirp,

maybe mourning their kin,

no they catch my hands gripping the pan,

too tightly,

the tension within,

how evasion is justified,

then again,

it’s never justified…


In The Absence of Light

I should try being myself for once,

taking the mask off,

and show who I really am,

my immediate fear is that he’s ugly,

in every sense of the word,

in every meaning of the phrase,

at every angle one can see,

I have an aim,

a focus,

and I pray that God doesn’t give up on me,

in order to maintain the disguise,

I have hurt, confused, pushed away

anything that gets close enough,

because they’re attached to a facsimile,

or they simply tolerate my very existence,

I only surmise,


and analyze the core of my being,

I am a Masochist undercover,

a hypocrite in public,

one who silently cries for help,

climbing back from the edge each day,

yet there’s something powerful in me,

it won’t let me hide,

it neglects my faults completely,

it expresses the beauty in the folds,

even in the absence of light,

it won’t die!

it won’t let me…